What is normal anymore?

I keep hearing people say that they can't wait for "things to return to normal" when the guys get home. It's left me confused and wondering what is normal anymore. We moved to a new post in September of last year, were informed of the impending deployment around Thanksgiving, and he was gone right after Christmas. It was such a whirlwind of moving, trying to get adjusted, then preparing for him to leave, and then he was gone. Well, now he's due to come home in only a couple months. Can you believe it?!?! It's shocking to me that this deployment is almost over. The days have been long, but the weeks certainly have been short.

Now, I'm left with a new challenge. I've managed to build a new life for myself here. We didn't really know many people when he left, so I've really established not only a new routine of being on my own, but I've surrounded myself with new people, started a new job, and both had a pet pass away and adopted a new kitten. Life has changed drastically from the "normal" of before he left. 

There never really was a normal though. It was always us getting ready for the move, getting settled, getting ready for him to leave, etc. There was never any routine that we had established before he left. There was no normal. So now I'm beginning to get a little nervous about Mr. S coming home. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to think that he'll be home safe and sound again. Despite that, I'm anxious that with no real "normal" to return to, it's going to be a challenge to readjust to being together. 

Sad day.

Today is definitely a sad day. For anyone reading this, please go home and hug your loved ones. Let them know that you love them and cherish this moment in time.

We've just surpassed the halfway point for the deployment and we've certainly been celebrating this milestone. We've started counting down rather than counting up, and it feels amazing. That is, until today.

I hadn't heard from Mr. S in about a week, so when I got a message from him today I was ecstatic, until he told me that he had something important to tell me. Naturally, I stopped cold and began to panic. Had he been hurt? Was something wrong?

As it turns out, we lost a cherished soldier yesterday. He was a well respected man and his wife and I have become friends through the deployment.  He leaves behind two young boys as well. I am deeply saddened for her. She has dedicated her whole life to this man, to this life and now it has all been taken from her. She didn't deserve this. Her kids didn't deserve this. While we're all still counting down the days until our husbands will come home, her countdown has dissolved right before her eyes, and I can't even begin to imagine how that feels. 

Mr. S is upset. We were able to Skype for a little and talk about it. I think this genuinely frightened him. Since Simon has been serving, I've never seen fear in his eyes before today. The war is much more of a reality for both of us now. We're both that much more anxious for the deployment to be over and for him to be home safe with me again.

For privacy reasons, I don't want to give out the soldier's name, but please keep his family in your prayers. They could use all the prayers and warm wishes you can spare.

Surprise!!!

Just when I need it the most, he always seems to make me smile. Look at what showed up at my door today!

Mr. Fluffs is not so thrilled about our new friend, but I LOVE him!

Yes, that is in fact a 7 foot teddy bear. I woke up this morning to the doorbell ringing. When I finally got my bum down the stairs to answer the door, all that was there was a rather large package. I say large, but it was only about 1/3 of the size of it's contents! There was no note, so I popped that sucker open quickly like a kid at Christmas to find out what was inside. I found a very peculiar orangey colored something vacuum sealed in plastic. Of course, being the impatient nut that I am, I tore open the plastic and the mysterious contents began to grow and grow and GROW until it towered over my 5'3" frame. I realized that it was a giant teddy bear and could not stop laughing. That man new just how to make my day and show me how much he missed me.

So now, my bear and I (who I have affectionately named Bradley) are going to snuggle up in a bed that no longer feels empty and dream of my love coming home to me.

I'm amazing!

So sorry that I haven't been posting much. I've been so darn busy being awesome!

I've completely changed my life for the better. Apparently, all I needed was a little challenge thrown at me to get me wake up and realize how comfortable I had gotten with being miserable. I don't want to be miserable! I want to be happy and healthy and amazing!

Well, I've been working hard. I am happy to report that I am down almost 20lbs. I'm working towards my certification to become a group fitness instructor. I am running a Mud Run in 10 days. Eek! I also just signed up for my local half marathon in a few months. Whoohoo! 

On top of that, my relationship is better than ever with my husband. I was finally able to realize that I was holding it against him that I couldn't talk to him despite knowing that it wasn't his fault. It was hard not knowing anything that he's doing, but I've sort of gotten used to the fact that I won't know what he was doing until he gets home. He's been making an extra effort to talk to me when he can, and we seem to have found our spark again. 

In a strange way, I feel blessed to have this deployment. Not only was it a wake up call to me to get healthy again, but it has truly challenged my independence. I am confident now that I can handle anything that comes my way. Yes, I still have bad days and sometimes all it takes is a song on the radio to make me cry, but I'm happy, confident, and so in love. 

Thank you to all who have been supportive through this tough time. It's been amazing to get so many messages of encouragement, and some have truly brought tears to my eyes. We're just about halfway through this thing, and I think we're equipped to get through the next few months with no problems. 

Feeling disconnected

It's been about 6 weeks since he's been gone now. I've gotten into somewhat of a schedule and have been working hard to keep busy. The days seem to drag on, but the weeks go by quickly. I never understood that phrase until now.

That being said, I'm feeling so disconnected from my husband. His communication has been down, so I've only been hearing from him for about 15 minutes once a week. Needless to say, by the time we get the "I miss yous" and the necessary info out, our conversation time is just about up. While I'm glad to hear from him, I'm left feeling even more empty than I was before he called. Everyone tells me to be glad that I get to talk to him at all, and I am, but it still leaves me feeling so empty and alone, that I can't help but want more.

I don't even feel like we're a married couple anymore. As much as I love my husband, we're so out of sync right now, it's hard to remember what it's like when we're together. I have absolutely no idea what he's got going on in Afghanistan and he has no clue what things are like here at home. This just leads to a cycle of self pity and anger. I wonder sometimes if something is wrong with me that I feel this way. I know we had a rock solid relationship before he left, but now I feel like I barely know him, and this is only the beginning. We have so much longer than this to get through until it's all over.

I feel as though I've put up an emotional wall so that I don't break down. I've made a life for myself without my husband, and it's easy to forget what life is like with him, or how it will be when he gets home. It's the only way I knew how to get through life without my best friend by my side. Now, I'm afraid it's resulting in my feelings of disconnect.

I've been trying to remain optimistic, and I know that these feelings will pass when I finally do get to talk to him more, but it's hard not to feel withdrawn from it all.

Keeping Busy

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I've decided to jump into this deployment head on. I'm already on the board for my FRG (Family Readiness Group), but we only meet about once a month so it's not enough to keep my busy. God is good and presented me with an open position for a veterinary technician on post. If you have an extra prayer in you, please send it my way that I get hired. If I can't find a job, I swear I'm going to go crazy in this house all day.

I'm also joining the local YMCA. The gym on post is free, but there's still a charge for the classes and they don't offer any that interest me. I really only go to the gym for classes seeing as I have an elliptical at the house. Luckily, the YMCA gives a military discount, so whoohoo!

I'm so excited to get started in a routine, both work wise and fitness wise. I just need everything to fall into a nice and tidy schedule so that I don't notice how slow the days go by. Bring it on deployment, I'm ready for you now!

Thank God for my friends.

After my awful day yesterday, I had decided that I needed to be optimistic today and made a lunch date with a friend. I was hoping for an uneventful meal, but I have to admit that in the middle of it, I just completely broke down. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it's ok to be sad and there's no shame in crying and just let me vent.

 After a little ice cream and the realization that I do have at least a few really good friends here, I genuinely feel much better. I'm still sad and feeling especially lonely today, but knowing that there are people who not only completely understand what I'm going through but care enough about me to make sure I'm ok is comforting.

I also started flipping through a book that was given to me by the Christian Military Fellowship, titled "Faith Deployed...Again." I have to recommend this to any Christian military wives out there. It really is an amazing book with stories from wives as well as prayers to help you through your happiest and your toughest days. I decided to open to a random page and take whatever it said to heart. This is what it said:
“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b)


I put my faith in Him to give me the strength to pick myself up and get on with life. So here's to tonight coming to an end and another day crossed off the calendar. Bring on tomorrow! It will be one day closer to him coming home to me.

Having a meltdown kind of day.

I honestly thought today was going to be a completely normal day. I had people coming over and plans to keep me busy. I never would have thought that I'd spend most of the day in tears.

He's only been gone about two weeks, but I think the fact that he's actually gone really hit me today. I've been so strong so far and haven't even really had a good cry until today. I'm sure I needed it, but now I just can't stop. Every emotion is coursing through me all at once, and I don't even know how to process it all.

 I feel so alone in this despite the fact that I know I'm not. I almost feel like because I've been so strong and everyone's so impressed with how I've composed myself thusfar, that I don't want to break down and expose all these feelings to anyone. I feel guilty that I feel so miserable and as though I would just be dragging everyone else down to express that misery. I can't burden my husband with what's going on. I know it would kill him that he's not here to bring me a hot cup of tea and let me cry it out in his arms. That's not fair to him at all, so I know I can't share how I feel with him. I have to be strong when he calls, but it's so hard.

I keep praying that if I just have a good cry that I'll be ok, but right now I don't even feel like that's possible. I know in my head that we'll get through this, but I just can't help but think this deployment is going to be so much more painful than I ever imagined.

Ignorance

I was shopping today and happened to strike up a conversation with one of the workers in the hardware store and explained that my husband had just deployed and I had no idea what tools I needed for a particular job and would need to have pretty much everything explained to me. She began to ask me pretty personal questions about his being gone. In general, I don't mind explaining our lifestyle. People don't know and sometimes have a general interest in how the Army effects even every day life. I was incredibly insulted, however, when she switched the topic to sex. She flat out asked me if I would miss it while he's gone and made the comment that she couldn't go that long without it. WHAT?!? Who asks that  kind of question and what in the world did she expect my answer to be. After promptly telling her that my sex life was between me and my husband she seemed to get the hint and mentioned that being an Army wife is like being single without the possibility of sex and then stopped talking altogether. Needless to say, I was thankful for the silence.

This just makes my blood boil. Please don't ever pose an insensitive question like that to a military spouse. Yes, of course we miss physical intimacy with our husbands, but more so, we miss the everyday of a kiss on the forehead or a squeeze of your hand. I even miss the fact that he usually does the dishes. I just want him to come home safely, so yes I miss things, but my focus isn't on my physical desires, merely on him coming back to me in one piece.  Also, don't ask the question "Aren't you afraid he'll be killed?" Yes, of course I'm terrified of that and thank you so kindly for ruining whatever I was doing and making me focus on this fear again. As a military spouse, you really just can't think about this or you'll drive yourself crazy with worry. So, don't be stupid and ask such an ignorant question because it's in no way helpful and only makes me hate your guts.

That's my two cents for the day.

He's really gone.

As much as you can tell yourself that you're ready to see them go, there's nothing like actually seeing your husband in uniform with a gun in his hand and one on his hip, boarding a bus with his men. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, the fears, the questions. It truly is torture.

We started off the day pretending everything was normal; going out to breakfast and joking around, playing with the dogs, and trying to finish packing his last minute items. Even though it seemed normal, every squeeze of my hand and every kiss on my forehead made me remember that I wouldn't feel those things again for a long time.

Be a good boy Gambit.

Running late is something typical in my house and this day was no exception. In a way, it was a good thing. Mr. S wasn't able to really sit down and say a prolonged goodbye to each of the animals. Our fur family is just that, our family, and I knew he would have a hard time leaving them. He gave each a hug and a kiss and told them he loved them while I took pictures and that was that. I knew it was going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Pugsly, our 14 year old cat. His health has been failing and he may not be here when Mr. S gets back, but luckily with so little time, Mr. S didn't have time to wallow and be sad. The goodbyes to his fur babies went much better than expected and I was grateful for that.

Bye Bye Princess Peach.

We got to the parking lot and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not ready for this. He's not leaving." I was wrong. Not only did he leave, but I was surprisingly stronger than I realized and didn't completely break down. Yes, there were a few tears that rolled down my cheek as he gave me those final kisses, but I managed to keep it together. It was definitely the toughest day of my life for sure, but I didn't let it sink me and I'm proud of myself for that.

Now that the emotional charge of the goodbye is done and he's actually gone, I'm sort of numb to it all. With all that we've been through, I'm used to him leaving for even a few weeks or months at a time. There are still a pair of his pajamas on the bedroom floor, his slippers are still by the front door, and my bed still smells like his cologne. It feels like any other time that he's left, but I'm assuming that the realization will come in a few weeks that his homecoming is further off than normal.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for feeling so confident despite his leaving. I'm almost excited in a way to get this deployment underway because the sooner it begins, the sooner he gets to come home to me.

Come home to me safely, my love.

Can't Wait for it to be OVER!!

Only problem is... it hasn't even begun.

I'm having mixed feelings today about Mr. S deploying soon. One minute, I'm proud of myself for holding it together while he's been gone (despite BOTH cars each having a flat tire on the same day) and thinking "I can do this!"He'll be gone just about the same amount of time as he was in Ranger School, and yet the days don't seem to drag on like they did back then. It seems strangely easier this time, maybe because I know that this separation ends soon. I'm not sure I'll feel the same way when he leaves for so much longer.

I hate the thought of him leaving. I know letting him walk away on that day is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. With that being said, I can't wait for his homecoming. I remember when he was in training in Germany and we hadn't even been able to speak to each other in about 2 months; the excitement that bubbled up inside me when he finally came home made me tingle from head to toe. I remember jumping into his arms after a mere month in Ranger School and crying into his neck, mixing my tears with the gunpowder residue still on his skin. Each one of these times, I had that same feeling that I did on our wedding day. I remember seeing him, and suddenly there was no one else in the room; all that mattered was how quickly I could get to him. (Trust me, Mr. S still teases me that I practically ran down the aisle to him.) I can't wait for the feeling again.

In a way, I think we're blessed that we live this lifestyle. The monotony of every day life leaves people numb and unappreciative of the relationships they should hold most dear. Between deployments and training, we truly cherish every second that we get to spend with each other, even if we're just watching movies in our pajamas or grocery shopping; we wouldn't have it any other way.

"Live each day like he's deploying tomorrow."

Pre-Deployment Training

Driving into the parking lot, all I see is soldiers in uniform hauling duffel bags and ruck sacks. This sight is oddly familiar and yet it feels so new at the same time. Simon squeezes my hand and tells me he loves me as we park the car. I know it's not our real goodbye. He'll only be gone for training for three weeks, but I know in my heart that his training now means he's really deploying sooner than I'm ready for.

I've been so nervous leading up to this night, but right at this moment, I'm sort of numb to it all. A few giggles and goodbye kisses later and he's on his way. I expect the tears to start when I get back into the car, but they don't. I fear that walking into my empty house will bring on the sobs, but again I'm simply numb. I don't really know how to feel right now. Maybe I'm getting used to this whole Army wife thing after all. Maybe I'm just avoiding my true feelings so I don't have to be sad that he's not here.