Our infertility journey has run smack into a wall.

Mr. S and I have gotten some bad news. After years of medical testing, pills, ER visits, injections, and even surgery, we've hit a wall and have been told that the only way that we will probably be able to have children is through in vitro. It's going to be a difficult road to navigate financially, timing around deployments/training, and physically, and frankly I'm running on empty in the hope department. Please keep us in your prayers as we start down this long road. 

Update: Mr. S is home and we begin a new journey

So very sorry. I honestly didn't think anyone was even reading this until I happened to log in one day and see that people were, in fact, interested in what I had to say. Now I feel crazy guilty for not updating y'all.

When I left off, Mr. S was still in Afghanistan, I had just begun working as a vet tech, and life was nutty.

Mr. S came home at the end of October. I can't believe I didn't tell y'all because I was practically jumping out of my skin with excitement. Everything has been great between us over the last year. I don't know why I ever thought it wouldn't be. Within a couple of hours of him getting home, it was like the deployment didn't even happen.

We've begun a new challenge though, we've been trying unsuccessfully to start a family. We knew this would be a struggle and had been trying for over a year when he deployed, but we've certainly kicked it up a knotch this last year. Due to my severe Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I rarely if ever, ovulate on my own. We've completed over the last several years, 5 rounds of Clomid, 3 failed rounds of Follistim injectable meds, laparoscopic surgery, and are currently on our final round of Follistim. Eek!

I honestly think that infertility has been more of a challenge for our marriage than the deployment! Between the hormones, the frustration, the devastation, and the hope that we try to cling to, it's definitely been difficult. Thank goodness Mr. S puts up with me being crazy!

Our next step is IUI or IVF if this cycle doesn't work, so cross your fingers for us.

I hope to update y'all a bit more and keep this blog up, despite my lapse in writing, so bear with me and thanks for reading!

What is normal anymore?

I keep hearing people say that they can't wait for "things to return to normal" when the guys get home. It's left me confused and wondering what is normal anymore. We moved to a new post in September of last year, were informed of the impending deployment around Thanksgiving, and he was gone right after Christmas. It was such a whirlwind of moving, trying to get adjusted, then preparing for him to leave, and then he was gone. Well, now he's due to come home in only a couple months. Can you believe it?!?! It's shocking to me that this deployment is almost over. The days have been long, but the weeks certainly have been short.

Now, I'm left with a new challenge. I've managed to build a new life for myself here. We didn't really know many people when he left, so I've really established not only a new routine of being on my own, but I've surrounded myself with new people, started a new job, and both had a pet pass away and adopted a new kitten. Life has changed drastically from the "normal" of before he left. 

There never really was a normal though. It was always us getting ready for the move, getting settled, getting ready for him to leave, etc. There was never any routine that we had established before he left. There was no normal. So now I'm beginning to get a little nervous about Mr. S coming home. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to think that he'll be home safe and sound again. Despite that, I'm anxious that with no real "normal" to return to, it's going to be a challenge to readjust to being together. 

Sad day.

Today is definitely a sad day. For anyone reading this, please go home and hug your loved ones. Let them know that you love them and cherish this moment in time.

We've just surpassed the halfway point for the deployment and we've certainly been celebrating this milestone. We've started counting down rather than counting up, and it feels amazing. That is, until today.

I hadn't heard from Mr. S in about a week, so when I got a message from him today I was ecstatic, until he told me that he had something important to tell me. Naturally, I stopped cold and began to panic. Had he been hurt? Was something wrong?

As it turns out, we lost a cherished soldier yesterday. He was a well respected man and his wife and I have become friends through the deployment.  He leaves behind two young boys as well. I am deeply saddened for her. She has dedicated her whole life to this man, to this life and now it has all been taken from her. She didn't deserve this. Her kids didn't deserve this. While we're all still counting down the days until our husbands will come home, her countdown has dissolved right before her eyes, and I can't even begin to imagine how that feels. 

Mr. S is upset. We were able to Skype for a little and talk about it. I think this genuinely frightened him. Since Simon has been serving, I've never seen fear in his eyes before today. The war is much more of a reality for both of us now. We're both that much more anxious for the deployment to be over and for him to be home safe with me again.

For privacy reasons, I don't want to give out the soldier's name, but please keep his family in your prayers. They could use all the prayers and warm wishes you can spare.

Surprise!!!

Just when I need it the most, he always seems to make me smile. Look at what showed up at my door today!

Mr. Fluffs is not so thrilled about our new friend, but I LOVE him!

Yes, that is in fact a 7 foot teddy bear. I woke up this morning to the doorbell ringing. When I finally got my bum down the stairs to answer the door, all that was there was a rather large package. I say large, but it was only about 1/3 of the size of it's contents! There was no note, so I popped that sucker open quickly like a kid at Christmas to find out what was inside. I found a very peculiar orangey colored something vacuum sealed in plastic. Of course, being the impatient nut that I am, I tore open the plastic and the mysterious contents began to grow and grow and GROW until it towered over my 5'3" frame. I realized that it was a giant teddy bear and could not stop laughing. That man new just how to make my day and show me how much he missed me.

So now, my bear and I (who I have affectionately named Bradley) are going to snuggle up in a bed that no longer feels empty and dream of my love coming home to me.

I'm amazing!

So sorry that I haven't been posting much. I've been so darn busy being awesome!

I've completely changed my life for the better. Apparently, all I needed was a little challenge thrown at me to get me wake up and realize how comfortable I had gotten with being miserable. I don't want to be miserable! I want to be happy and healthy and amazing!

Well, I've been working hard. I am happy to report that I am down almost 20lbs. I'm working towards my certification to become a group fitness instructor. I am running a Mud Run in 10 days. Eek! I also just signed up for my local half marathon in a few months. Whoohoo! 

On top of that, my relationship is better than ever with my husband. I was finally able to realize that I was holding it against him that I couldn't talk to him despite knowing that it wasn't his fault. It was hard not knowing anything that he's doing, but I've sort of gotten used to the fact that I won't know what he was doing until he gets home. He's been making an extra effort to talk to me when he can, and we seem to have found our spark again. 

In a strange way, I feel blessed to have this deployment. Not only was it a wake up call to me to get healthy again, but it has truly challenged my independence. I am confident now that I can handle anything that comes my way. Yes, I still have bad days and sometimes all it takes is a song on the radio to make me cry, but I'm happy, confident, and so in love. 

Thank you to all who have been supportive through this tough time. It's been amazing to get so many messages of encouragement, and some have truly brought tears to my eyes. We're just about halfway through this thing, and I think we're equipped to get through the next few months with no problems. 

Feeling disconnected

It's been about 6 weeks since he's been gone now. I've gotten into somewhat of a schedule and have been working hard to keep busy. The days seem to drag on, but the weeks go by quickly. I never understood that phrase until now.

That being said, I'm feeling so disconnected from my husband. His communication has been down, so I've only been hearing from him for about 15 minutes once a week. Needless to say, by the time we get the "I miss yous" and the necessary info out, our conversation time is just about up. While I'm glad to hear from him, I'm left feeling even more empty than I was before he called. Everyone tells me to be glad that I get to talk to him at all, and I am, but it still leaves me feeling so empty and alone, that I can't help but want more.

I don't even feel like we're a married couple anymore. As much as I love my husband, we're so out of sync right now, it's hard to remember what it's like when we're together. I have absolutely no idea what he's got going on in Afghanistan and he has no clue what things are like here at home. This just leads to a cycle of self pity and anger. I wonder sometimes if something is wrong with me that I feel this way. I know we had a rock solid relationship before he left, but now I feel like I barely know him, and this is only the beginning. We have so much longer than this to get through until it's all over.

I feel as though I've put up an emotional wall so that I don't break down. I've made a life for myself without my husband, and it's easy to forget what life is like with him, or how it will be when he gets home. It's the only way I knew how to get through life without my best friend by my side. Now, I'm afraid it's resulting in my feelings of disconnect.

I've been trying to remain optimistic, and I know that these feelings will pass when I finally do get to talk to him more, but it's hard not to feel withdrawn from it all.