Our infertility journey has run smack into a wall.

Mr. S and I have gotten some bad news. After years of medical testing, pills, ER visits, injections, and even surgery, we've hit a wall and have been told that the only way that we will probably be able to have children is through in vitro. It's going to be a difficult road to navigate financially, timing around deployments/training, and physically, and frankly I'm running on empty in the hope department. Please keep us in your prayers as we start down this long road. 

Thank God for my friends.

After my awful day yesterday, I had decided that I needed to be optimistic today and made a lunch date with a friend. I was hoping for an uneventful meal, but I have to admit that in the middle of it, I just completely broke down. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it's ok to be sad and there's no shame in crying and just let me vent.

 After a little ice cream and the realization that I do have at least a few really good friends here, I genuinely feel much better. I'm still sad and feeling especially lonely today, but knowing that there are people who not only completely understand what I'm going through but care enough about me to make sure I'm ok is comforting.

I also started flipping through a book that was given to me by the Christian Military Fellowship, titled "Faith Deployed...Again." I have to recommend this to any Christian military wives out there. It really is an amazing book with stories from wives as well as prayers to help you through your happiest and your toughest days. I decided to open to a random page and take whatever it said to heart. This is what it said:
“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b)


I put my faith in Him to give me the strength to pick myself up and get on with life. So here's to tonight coming to an end and another day crossed off the calendar. Bring on tomorrow! It will be one day closer to him coming home to me.

Having a meltdown kind of day.

I honestly thought today was going to be a completely normal day. I had people coming over and plans to keep me busy. I never would have thought that I'd spend most of the day in tears.

He's only been gone about two weeks, but I think the fact that he's actually gone really hit me today. I've been so strong so far and haven't even really had a good cry until today. I'm sure I needed it, but now I just can't stop. Every emotion is coursing through me all at once, and I don't even know how to process it all.

 I feel so alone in this despite the fact that I know I'm not. I almost feel like because I've been so strong and everyone's so impressed with how I've composed myself thusfar, that I don't want to break down and expose all these feelings to anyone. I feel guilty that I feel so miserable and as though I would just be dragging everyone else down to express that misery. I can't burden my husband with what's going on. I know it would kill him that he's not here to bring me a hot cup of tea and let me cry it out in his arms. That's not fair to him at all, so I know I can't share how I feel with him. I have to be strong when he calls, but it's so hard.

I keep praying that if I just have a good cry that I'll be ok, but right now I don't even feel like that's possible. I know in my head that we'll get through this, but I just can't help but think this deployment is going to be so much more painful than I ever imagined.

He's really gone.

As much as you can tell yourself that you're ready to see them go, there's nothing like actually seeing your husband in uniform with a gun in his hand and one on his hip, boarding a bus with his men. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, the fears, the questions. It truly is torture.

We started off the day pretending everything was normal; going out to breakfast and joking around, playing with the dogs, and trying to finish packing his last minute items. Even though it seemed normal, every squeeze of my hand and every kiss on my forehead made me remember that I wouldn't feel those things again for a long time.

Be a good boy Gambit.

Running late is something typical in my house and this day was no exception. In a way, it was a good thing. Mr. S wasn't able to really sit down and say a prolonged goodbye to each of the animals. Our fur family is just that, our family, and I knew he would have a hard time leaving them. He gave each a hug and a kiss and told them he loved them while I took pictures and that was that. I knew it was going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Pugsly, our 14 year old cat. His health has been failing and he may not be here when Mr. S gets back, but luckily with so little time, Mr. S didn't have time to wallow and be sad. The goodbyes to his fur babies went much better than expected and I was grateful for that.

Bye Bye Princess Peach.

We got to the parking lot and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not ready for this. He's not leaving." I was wrong. Not only did he leave, but I was surprisingly stronger than I realized and didn't completely break down. Yes, there were a few tears that rolled down my cheek as he gave me those final kisses, but I managed to keep it together. It was definitely the toughest day of my life for sure, but I didn't let it sink me and I'm proud of myself for that.

Now that the emotional charge of the goodbye is done and he's actually gone, I'm sort of numb to it all. With all that we've been through, I'm used to him leaving for even a few weeks or months at a time. There are still a pair of his pajamas on the bedroom floor, his slippers are still by the front door, and my bed still smells like his cologne. It feels like any other time that he's left, but I'm assuming that the realization will come in a few weeks that his homecoming is further off than normal.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for feeling so confident despite his leaving. I'm almost excited in a way to get this deployment underway because the sooner it begins, the sooner he gets to come home to me.

Come home to me safely, my love.

Can't Wait for it to be OVER!!

Only problem is... it hasn't even begun.

I'm having mixed feelings today about Mr. S deploying soon. One minute, I'm proud of myself for holding it together while he's been gone (despite BOTH cars each having a flat tire on the same day) and thinking "I can do this!"He'll be gone just about the same amount of time as he was in Ranger School, and yet the days don't seem to drag on like they did back then. It seems strangely easier this time, maybe because I know that this separation ends soon. I'm not sure I'll feel the same way when he leaves for so much longer.

I hate the thought of him leaving. I know letting him walk away on that day is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. With that being said, I can't wait for his homecoming. I remember when he was in training in Germany and we hadn't even been able to speak to each other in about 2 months; the excitement that bubbled up inside me when he finally came home made me tingle from head to toe. I remember jumping into his arms after a mere month in Ranger School and crying into his neck, mixing my tears with the gunpowder residue still on his skin. Each one of these times, I had that same feeling that I did on our wedding day. I remember seeing him, and suddenly there was no one else in the room; all that mattered was how quickly I could get to him. (Trust me, Mr. S still teases me that I practically ran down the aisle to him.) I can't wait for the feeling again.

In a way, I think we're blessed that we live this lifestyle. The monotony of every day life leaves people numb and unappreciative of the relationships they should hold most dear. Between deployments and training, we truly cherish every second that we get to spend with each other, even if we're just watching movies in our pajamas or grocery shopping; we wouldn't have it any other way.

"Live each day like he's deploying tomorrow."

The Dreaded News...

Well, we finally got the news. He's going to deploy. I can't get into much of the details, not that I have many. My mother in law has been visiting this last week, so my husband was grateful that he was able to tell both of us together. It made it so much harder though. She barely seemed to flinch, although she has another son who served in the Navy, so she's a bit more used to deployments. I'm sure it'll be harder for her to deal with when the time comes closer though.

I'm left feeling confused, selfish, hurt, scared, and sad. I knew this day was coming but it was never supposed to come so soon. We had plans. We had been seeing a new fertility specialist and were trying to conquer my stupid ovaries and finally have a family of our own. All the plans are now changing...emotions are changing. It's all so difficult to understand.

When my husband told me, I cried. His mother was here so I tried to hold it together, but it was hard. He told me that night in bed that I didn't have to be strong for him, that he was scared too and to just talk to him. I sobbed and sobbed and let it all out. I think I needed that... we needed that. We discussed how we had made it through so many hard separations before. We could survive this one. 

So now I'm still awake at 2am obsessing about my husband's upcoming deployment. I feel selfish that I cry about it. It's the thought of saying goodbye that hurts me most. In the past, that's been the hardest part whenever we've been separated. I don't want him to worry about me. I want to be able to be strong for him so he won't worry, but I'm afraid that he knows me too well and will know no matter what I'm holding in how I feel.

I'm judging myself for all of my feelings and questioning what I feel. I almost look forward to finally feeling numb from it all. It gets overwhelming to be in my head.