Power Clean Time!

Friday, Mr. S comes home for 8 whole hours!!!! I can't believe how quickly this first phase went. It's over. Let's just cross our fingers that he passed and gets to move on to phase 2. There is so much to do before he gets home. I've got to power clean this house and make everything perfect for his arrival. I'm so excited!!! The dogs are getting baths, the tables need dusting, the sheets need washing, I need to bake something. I have to go to post and get some supplies for him. I just can't wait!!! These next two days are going to be long, but it's worth it to get to see him on Friday!!! Wish me luck!

Rest in Peace Waffle

Today was challenging. I was just stuck with a case of the Mondays all day. I couldn't get out of my funk. I tried everything. I worked all day, so when I got out, I thought that a trip with Gambit to the store to get him a new leash and some treats would be a fun outing and a quick pick-me-up. It was nice, but I was still feeling kind of blah. I thought maybe some KFC might cheer me up. Nope. They forgot to put my cookies in the bag and I realized that I don't really like KFC. It's kind of gross. I decided that I would play with my bunny. She loves to snuggle and give kisses and I knew that would cheer me up. Unfortunately, I went to go pick her up and found that she had died. She was just laying there and was cold to the touch. I lost it.

I am feeling so insecue right now. I can't handle all these things that have gone wrong since Mr. S left, and Waffle dying is the worst. First I broke my hand, then we had to put one of the dogs I was helping foster to sleep, and now Waffle died. I can't even tell him about any of this because I know it'll make him worry about me and he really ought to be worrying about only himself right now. I just feel so left alone though. I can't even share my frustration and grief with him. I'm upset that I wasn't there for Waffle when she died. She didn't even seem sick. It makes me question my skills as a veterinary technician and it makes me so sad that her little life was cut so short. I'm upset that I have no one here to share all my emotions with, so here I am at 1:30 in the morning, writing it all down. I can only hope that someone out there is listening so as I'm not entirely alone in my thoughts and feelings.... that's definitely how I feel.

Nightmares

I am driving down a country road with no street lights. It is extremely dark and there are no other cars on the road and no houses in sight. All of a sudden, I see a tree down in the road. I stop the car so as not to hit it, when I notice three men coming out of the woods in my rearview mirror, approaching my car from behind. I'm scared. I can't move forward due to the downed tree. They're closer now. I reach for the door to lock it, but I'm too slow. One of the men has entered my car and is holding a gun to me. I'm terrified....shaking....... A million thoughts enter my mind. Do I fight? Do I run? Do I comply? Am I going to die? Before I can sort through all my thoughts, he pulls the trigger.


I'm scared. 

Only a very few people know about my history with crime. My sophomore year in college I had dislocated my knee and was on crutches. I was making my way from my dorm to my boyfriend's dorm next door to mine. It was a two minute walk from door to door that went terribly wrong.

It was chilly and my hair was still wet from taking a shower when I walked out the door. Two steps down the sidewalk, a man approached me. He was wearing a green jacket and dark jeans. I remember him being short (for a man-he was still much taller than me at 5'3"). He spoke only broken English, but he was pointing at my knee brace and I figured out that he was asking what had happened to my leg. I started to respond, thinking he was a well wisher who felt bad for the girl on crutches. I didn't look to much into it as similar situations had been happening all day. That was my mistake.

He started mumbling something about "it all being ok" and "not to worry." I began to be concerned that this man was not stable and started to turn away from him to continue walking. That's when he grabbed me. He pulled me in towards him and caused me to lose my balance. He tried to kiss me and pulled me off my feet. I pushed my crutches out in front of me and managed to regain my balance. I took off towards my boyfriend's dorm, going as fast as I could on crutches. He chased after me. There was no one there to help me. I was running and he was right behind me. I got to the door of the other dorm. You need to swipe your student ID for access to the building. I couldn't get to it fast enough. I couldn't stop. I was panicked. God was watching over me because the door swung open just as I reached it and I was able to get inside. I didn't dare look behind me and see if he was still behind me. I picked up my crutches and ran (on my bad knee) up the 3 flights of stairs to my boyfriend's room and locked myself inside.

The good news is that he was caught. The campus police were able to locate him within a half hour. I thought that was the end of it.

The justice system failed me. They let him out on bail and he took off. I moved on and tried not to think about it, but I was changed. No one could understand my paranoia because they hadn't lived through what I had.

Two years later, just weeks before my wedding to the boyfriend who helped me get through all of this, I received a phone call that would bring it all back up. They had caught him. He was going to be held in jail until the trial, but there was more news. The victim's advocate explained to me that while my attacker was in jail for the charges against me, a witness in an unrelated case had claimed that my attacker was the assailant in an unsolved rape and murder. They were able to test his DNA and discovered that he had , in fact, raped an murdered a woman a mere six months prior to attacking me. He left her body on the train tracks. The phone dropped from my hand....

I can't even begin to understand my feelings about all this. I feel so unsafe no matter where I am. He wanted to do more than he did to me. He wanted to rape me. He wanted to murder me. I survived, yes, but I feel as though I haven't. Every dark corner, even my own house scares me. The whole world is dangerous and I won't be so lucky next time. He has left a bigger mark on my life than I would even like to give him credit for, but I can't deny it. It's evident even in my dreams.

The nightmares are more prevalent when Mr. S is not here. All week, I've been lacking sleep due to them. I wake up sweating, my heart beating, sometimes in tears. I need to get through this on my own because he isn't here, but my first instinct is to look to him. I need help. I need sleep.

Edwin Masarieo began this hell, but I need to finish it.

Royal Wedding

So ANNOYED!!!! Is everyone obsessed with the royal wedding?!?! I've been hearing about the royal wedding for what seems like forever now. It's been going in one ear and out the other. It doesn't affect me. I don't know them. I'm happy for them if they're truly in love that they are getting married because I know that joy of marrying your best friend and wish for everyone to have that. I just don't get all the craziness about it.

Well, Friday I was getting ready for work and what was on every news channel.... the wedding. Yes, she looked beautiful. Yes, it was over the top, but why do I have to watch it. Are we that obsessed with someone's love life , in another country for that matter, that no other news is important. What about the tornadoes that ravaged the South this week? What about the war in Afghanistan? Even President Obama releasing his birth certificate was more relevant in my opinion. I just can't believe that the world would all stop for one wedding. It drives me nuts.

I figured that once the wedding was over it would be just that, over. Instead, I still have to hear about it repeatedly. I can't watch tv without someone bringing up her dress or her bouquet. Even facebook is not safe. Now, the news is obsessing over when and where they will be taking their honeymoon. Who cares? UGGGHHH!!!
Ok. Vent session over. Maybe I'm just grumpy because I miss my husband, maybe I have a point...

Losing Weight

I had told myself (and my husband) that I was going to get in shape while he was gone. I figured it would be easy. It was pretty easy for me when he was in Germany because I wasn't eating out all the time or following his lead and eating Oreos or ice cream sundaes. When Mr. S is home, I always struggle with my weight. He has to essentially force feed himself nonstop in order to gain weight and I unfortunately have the opposite problem and can eat a single hotdog and gain 3lbs. So, when he's gone I take it as my opportunity to lose all that I've gained while he's been home.

Well, for some reason, this time it hasn't been so easy to get started. I start out every morning on the right track, only to blow it all by the evening. It's been really frustrating. I set up a workout plan for myself as well but have yet to complete a single workout. I find myself making excuses not to wake up early and then am too tired when I get home to make the effort to start a workout. I know it's all excuses. I just feel so tired and don't have the motivation to get up and moving.

Today, I was flipping through the channels and came across "Making the Cut:Ranger School". I decided to watch and see what exactly my husband is going through. Well, I'm not so sure I liked what I saw. I knew it was going to be hard on him, but it upsets me to think that he is essentially being underfed and worked to the bone. They estimate that when each soldier graduates, he will have lost about 25lbs. I can't imagine how hard it is going to be on him to be hungry, sore, and worn down for a minimum of 61 days. I'm so proud of him for going after what he wants and putting himself through something I know I couldn't even think about doing.

This all got me thinking... If he can have the mental toughness to put himself through the torture of Ranger School, why is it I can't put down the fork and get off my butt? There's no reason I can't do it. So, I finally did it. I purged all the junk food out of my house. I put on some walking shoes after work and took the dog with me. I feel so confident now that all I need to do is think of Mr. S struggling his way through Ranger School and I will be able to get through a craving or a bout of laziness. He is inspiring me without even knowing it.
I'm so proud of him and I know he will be proud of me when he gets out and sees his new, thinner, sexier wife!

Losing my Ranger Wife Buddy

I just received a phone call from my friend. Her husband was in the same IBOLC course with Mr. S and started Ranger school with him as well. We have a lot in common and we both were glad to have eachtother through this process. Well, apparently her husband has been dropped from the course.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Part of me is upset for him because I know if he wanted it even half as badly as Mr. S does, he's going to be really mad at himself for not succeeding. Then, I'm upset for Kati because I can't even imagine if Mr. S came home. I wouldn't know how to handle it...or more like I wouldn't know how to handle him. There's nothing she can do or say to fix it. I'm sure she's excited to see him, but it's so akward to not be able to show that excitement due to his disappointment. I know I would feel disappointed in Mr. S for not seeming to be excited to see me due to his being upset for leaving Ranger School. That would hurt.

I'm also nervous now for Mr. S. Her husband graduated IBOLC as the top LT in their class, so I'm anxious that if he couldn't make it through even the first week, what does that mean for Mr. S? Can he really do this? I know he wants to be able to, but there are 7.5 more weeks to go! I had faith that he would be just fine, but to see her husband come home makes me think maybe mine will too...

Finally, I'm upset for me. Part of me is jealous of the position she is in, despite it not being ideal right this moment. I would be so happy to see Mr. S. There is so much that has happened already that I want to tell him. I feel like he's missing out. I know that's selfish, so I try not to think about that, but I have to admit that it wouldn't be the worst thing if he were sent home...at least not the worst thing to me, but definitely the worst for him. I'm also bummed that her husband got sent home because we were in this together as Army wives, and now I feel like I'm a little bit alone. Again, that's selfish on my part and I don't want to be that way, but I can't help but feel that I'm all alone now.

I am alone.

Ouch!

I'm convinced that it's a curse.... Every time my husband leaves and is out of reach, something bad happens within a day or two. The first time, I got a flat tire. The second time, we had a massive power outage in the middle of winter and I was stranded with the animals in a 48 degree apartment. This time, I was trying to get a jumpstart on my weight loss and went out for a run with the dog before work. Well, he took off one way and I fell right on my hand. Ouch! Turns out I broke a bone at the
base of my pinky finger. Grrreeeaaatttt.....

I would have been posting more but I'm still learning how to type with only one hand.
I do have good news I guess though. Judging by the fact that I haven't gotten a phone call saying that he's recycled due to the water confidence course, he passed! Yay! I'm just waiting for his address so I can send him letters. I don't think I'm going to mention my hand although he'll probably wonder why my handwriting is messy. I just don't want to worry him.

I 'm enjoying my freedom a little bit. I bought myself a new phone and have gotten some things for the dog, like a dog backpack. It's kind of nice to be able to make some decisions on my own and have a timeline that only consults one.... me! I do miss him, don't get me wrong. I've had a hard time sleeping these last few nights. I've been a little on edge and jumpy in my sleep, but that will pass. By the time I get used to it though, he'll be back and I'll have to get used to having him back in my bed.

I feel like the dog and I are bonding more. The last month or so Mr. S has been home most of the time with him and I was working. Now, it's just me again. He's been listening to me more and seems to understand that while Mr. S is gone, I'm the boss. I'm going to schedule another training session with him while Mr. S is gone. He still has some issues stemming from being a shelter puppy, but he's sweet. I already taught him another trick since Mr. S left. I don't know what I would do without him. Granted, I also have two rabbits and a cat, but there's nothing like a dog when it comes to companionship. I'm so glad we made the decision to adopt him when we did. He's been a lot of work and still is, but I don't know how I would get through these 2+ months without him.

I love that goofball! He makes me smile. Thank you Lord for him and his companionship.

Drop Off: Day 0

Goodbye Ranger:

Dropped Mr. S off this morning at 10am. I have to say that this morning was surprisingly anticlimactic. I think we've been focusing so much on his leaving that when it actually came it was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I swear, I was more sad about him leaving on Friday than I was today. Mr. S was more than anxious though. He almost lost his breakfast because his stomach was in knots and I couldn't do anything to help ease his fears. That was the worst part. I know today will be a fairly easy day for him. It's mostly checking that they have all their gear. Tomorrow begins the craziness.

Thank goodness for one of the other wives. She came over and we kept eachother company all day so we didn't even have time to really process that they had left. Part of me thinks he's going to come home any minute. Maybe it'll hit me tomorrow, but for now I only have had one fleeting moment of realizing that I won't get to see him. I was watching an internet video of a cute proposal... I know, bad idea Chelsea... I found myself all of a sudden in a fit of tears. I had to shake myself and come back to reality or I would have easily fallen into an hour long sobfest.

I'm starting my diet and exercise program tomorrow. I'm determined while Mr. S is gone to lose at least 15lbs. I know I can do it. Whenever he's not around, I always lose weight because I'm not eating all the crap he does. This week is going to be tough, with the new exercise program, taking care of the animals by myself, and working 6 days this week. Eek! I just hope I don't end up working myself too hard and end up in a funk feeling all alone. I've done it before. Mr. S is always the one to put me in check when I'm overworking myself, so without him here and my focus shifting to keep busy to distract myself from his not being here, I end up breaking.

It's day 0 and I just hope I can keep it all together and accomplish all I want to while he's gone.
I already can't wait to have him home.

Ready for RANGER?

Ranger School starts with a 10:00am dropoff on Sunday...Easter Sunday. I'm already dreading it's arrival. I think moreso, my husband is dreading it. Every room looks like the Army threw up in it. He's frantically packing and repacking to make sure he won't forget one thing on the packing list. All I can do is stand by and watch. I'm trying to help, but I feel like I'm getting more in the way than anything. I know he's stressed. He's thinking about his ankle and hoping it will hold up throughout the course. I have no doubt that he can do this, but I think he's psyching himself out a bit. I can't help but want to tell him to quit worrying so much about everything and just enjoy the last day and a half he has with me, but I know in the back of my mind that it's selfish. We'll see if date night comes or not.

I have such mixed emotions about his leaving. At first, I was upset that I would be all alone in what still sometimes feels like a new place. I have friends here, I have a job here, I even have my animals (cat, dog, and 2 rabbits) but I still feel so lonely when Simon is gone. I get paranoid when he's not here. I always jump at the slightest noise and recheck the locks a billion times before bed. My husband is my safety and when he's not here, I'm not sure how to feel safe.

Now that I've had some time to let it sink in that he's leaving, I'm just ready for him to go. I know that the worst part is saying goodbye, so I just want it to hurry up and be over. After that, I can write him letters and keep as busy as possible so the time will go by quickly. I'm excited for him to leave in a way. I hope to use the opportunity to lose weight, teach the dog some new tricks, visit family back up North, and maybe even get some projects done around the house. I almost feel like I'm planning too much to accomplish while he's gone, but I will sure as heck try to do it all. Mostly, I really want to lose the weight I've put on since we got married. Living with a man who is always trying to gain weight makes it difficult to eat like I should. I'm using this opportunity to get healthy and back in shape. I feel guilty though that I almost want him to leave so that I can get all my plans underway.

I'm not sure how I should feel. I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong way to feel when he leaves. I'm worried about him. I know Ranger School is going to be extremely difficult for him and he'll be miserable for the majority of the next 2 months. It kills me that I can't help him. I can't think about that though....or at least I need to try not to. It makes me feel guilty that I'll be at home with food in my belly, furry ones to snuggle, and a super comfy bed awaiting me at night. I have to remind myself that he wants to do this, as much as it may suck and attempt to live my life to the fullest without him. Or at least... that's what I think I'm supposed to do.