He's really gone.

As much as you can tell yourself that you're ready to see them go, there's nothing like actually seeing your husband in uniform with a gun in his hand and one on his hip, boarding a bus with his men. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, the fears, the questions. It truly is torture.

We started off the day pretending everything was normal; going out to breakfast and joking around, playing with the dogs, and trying to finish packing his last minute items. Even though it seemed normal, every squeeze of my hand and every kiss on my forehead made me remember that I wouldn't feel those things again for a long time.

Be a good boy Gambit.

Running late is something typical in my house and this day was no exception. In a way, it was a good thing. Mr. S wasn't able to really sit down and say a prolonged goodbye to each of the animals. Our fur family is just that, our family, and I knew he would have a hard time leaving them. He gave each a hug and a kiss and told them he loved them while I took pictures and that was that. I knew it was going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Pugsly, our 14 year old cat. His health has been failing and he may not be here when Mr. S gets back, but luckily with so little time, Mr. S didn't have time to wallow and be sad. The goodbyes to his fur babies went much better than expected and I was grateful for that.

Bye Bye Princess Peach.

We got to the parking lot and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not ready for this. He's not leaving." I was wrong. Not only did he leave, but I was surprisingly stronger than I realized and didn't completely break down. Yes, there were a few tears that rolled down my cheek as he gave me those final kisses, but I managed to keep it together. It was definitely the toughest day of my life for sure, but I didn't let it sink me and I'm proud of myself for that.

Now that the emotional charge of the goodbye is done and he's actually gone, I'm sort of numb to it all. With all that we've been through, I'm used to him leaving for even a few weeks or months at a time. There are still a pair of his pajamas on the bedroom floor, his slippers are still by the front door, and my bed still smells like his cologne. It feels like any other time that he's left, but I'm assuming that the realization will come in a few weeks that his homecoming is further off than normal.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for feeling so confident despite his leaving. I'm almost excited in a way to get this deployment underway because the sooner it begins, the sooner he gets to come home to me.

Come home to me safely, my love.

Ready for RANGER?

Ranger School starts with a 10:00am dropoff on Sunday...Easter Sunday. I'm already dreading it's arrival. I think moreso, my husband is dreading it. Every room looks like the Army threw up in it. He's frantically packing and repacking to make sure he won't forget one thing on the packing list. All I can do is stand by and watch. I'm trying to help, but I feel like I'm getting more in the way than anything. I know he's stressed. He's thinking about his ankle and hoping it will hold up throughout the course. I have no doubt that he can do this, but I think he's psyching himself out a bit. I can't help but want to tell him to quit worrying so much about everything and just enjoy the last day and a half he has with me, but I know in the back of my mind that it's selfish. We'll see if date night comes or not.

I have such mixed emotions about his leaving. At first, I was upset that I would be all alone in what still sometimes feels like a new place. I have friends here, I have a job here, I even have my animals (cat, dog, and 2 rabbits) but I still feel so lonely when Simon is gone. I get paranoid when he's not here. I always jump at the slightest noise and recheck the locks a billion times before bed. My husband is my safety and when he's not here, I'm not sure how to feel safe.

Now that I've had some time to let it sink in that he's leaving, I'm just ready for him to go. I know that the worst part is saying goodbye, so I just want it to hurry up and be over. After that, I can write him letters and keep as busy as possible so the time will go by quickly. I'm excited for him to leave in a way. I hope to use the opportunity to lose weight, teach the dog some new tricks, visit family back up North, and maybe even get some projects done around the house. I almost feel like I'm planning too much to accomplish while he's gone, but I will sure as heck try to do it all. Mostly, I really want to lose the weight I've put on since we got married. Living with a man who is always trying to gain weight makes it difficult to eat like I should. I'm using this opportunity to get healthy and back in shape. I feel guilty though that I almost want him to leave so that I can get all my plans underway.

I'm not sure how I should feel. I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong way to feel when he leaves. I'm worried about him. I know Ranger School is going to be extremely difficult for him and he'll be miserable for the majority of the next 2 months. It kills me that I can't help him. I can't think about that though....or at least I need to try not to. It makes me feel guilty that I'll be at home with food in my belly, furry ones to snuggle, and a super comfy bed awaiting me at night. I have to remind myself that he wants to do this, as much as it may suck and attempt to live my life to the fullest without him. Or at least... that's what I think I'm supposed to do.