He's really gone.

As much as you can tell yourself that you're ready to see them go, there's nothing like actually seeing your husband in uniform with a gun in his hand and one on his hip, boarding a bus with his men. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, the fears, the questions. It truly is torture.

We started off the day pretending everything was normal; going out to breakfast and joking around, playing with the dogs, and trying to finish packing his last minute items. Even though it seemed normal, every squeeze of my hand and every kiss on my forehead made me remember that I wouldn't feel those things again for a long time.

Be a good boy Gambit.

Running late is something typical in my house and this day was no exception. In a way, it was a good thing. Mr. S wasn't able to really sit down and say a prolonged goodbye to each of the animals. Our fur family is just that, our family, and I knew he would have a hard time leaving them. He gave each a hug and a kiss and told them he loved them while I took pictures and that was that. I knew it was going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Pugsly, our 14 year old cat. His health has been failing and he may not be here when Mr. S gets back, but luckily with so little time, Mr. S didn't have time to wallow and be sad. The goodbyes to his fur babies went much better than expected and I was grateful for that.

Bye Bye Princess Peach.

We got to the parking lot and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not ready for this. He's not leaving." I was wrong. Not only did he leave, but I was surprisingly stronger than I realized and didn't completely break down. Yes, there were a few tears that rolled down my cheek as he gave me those final kisses, but I managed to keep it together. It was definitely the toughest day of my life for sure, but I didn't let it sink me and I'm proud of myself for that.

Now that the emotional charge of the goodbye is done and he's actually gone, I'm sort of numb to it all. With all that we've been through, I'm used to him leaving for even a few weeks or months at a time. There are still a pair of his pajamas on the bedroom floor, his slippers are still by the front door, and my bed still smells like his cologne. It feels like any other time that he's left, but I'm assuming that the realization will come in a few weeks that his homecoming is further off than normal.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for feeling so confident despite his leaving. I'm almost excited in a way to get this deployment underway because the sooner it begins, the sooner he gets to come home to me.

Come home to me safely, my love.

Can't Wait for it to be OVER!!

Only problem is... it hasn't even begun.

I'm having mixed feelings today about Mr. S deploying soon. One minute, I'm proud of myself for holding it together while he's been gone (despite BOTH cars each having a flat tire on the same day) and thinking "I can do this!"He'll be gone just about the same amount of time as he was in Ranger School, and yet the days don't seem to drag on like they did back then. It seems strangely easier this time, maybe because I know that this separation ends soon. I'm not sure I'll feel the same way when he leaves for so much longer.

I hate the thought of him leaving. I know letting him walk away on that day is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. With that being said, I can't wait for his homecoming. I remember when he was in training in Germany and we hadn't even been able to speak to each other in about 2 months; the excitement that bubbled up inside me when he finally came home made me tingle from head to toe. I remember jumping into his arms after a mere month in Ranger School and crying into his neck, mixing my tears with the gunpowder residue still on his skin. Each one of these times, I had that same feeling that I did on our wedding day. I remember seeing him, and suddenly there was no one else in the room; all that mattered was how quickly I could get to him. (Trust me, Mr. S still teases me that I practically ran down the aisle to him.) I can't wait for the feeling again.

In a way, I think we're blessed that we live this lifestyle. The monotony of every day life leaves people numb and unappreciative of the relationships they should hold most dear. Between deployments and training, we truly cherish every second that we get to spend with each other, even if we're just watching movies in our pajamas or grocery shopping; we wouldn't have it any other way.

"Live each day like he's deploying tomorrow."

Pre-Deployment Training

Driving into the parking lot, all I see is soldiers in uniform hauling duffel bags and ruck sacks. This sight is oddly familiar and yet it feels so new at the same time. Simon squeezes my hand and tells me he loves me as we park the car. I know it's not our real goodbye. He'll only be gone for training for three weeks, but I know in my heart that his training now means he's really deploying sooner than I'm ready for.

I've been so nervous leading up to this night, but right at this moment, I'm sort of numb to it all. A few giggles and goodbye kisses later and he's on his way. I expect the tears to start when I get back into the car, but they don't. I fear that walking into my empty house will bring on the sobs, but again I'm simply numb. I don't really know how to feel right now. Maybe I'm getting used to this whole Army wife thing after all. Maybe I'm just avoiding my true feelings so I don't have to be sad that he's not here.

The Dreaded News...

Well, we finally got the news. He's going to deploy. I can't get into much of the details, not that I have many. My mother in law has been visiting this last week, so my husband was grateful that he was able to tell both of us together. It made it so much harder though. She barely seemed to flinch, although she has another son who served in the Navy, so she's a bit more used to deployments. I'm sure it'll be harder for her to deal with when the time comes closer though.

I'm left feeling confused, selfish, hurt, scared, and sad. I knew this day was coming but it was never supposed to come so soon. We had plans. We had been seeing a new fertility specialist and were trying to conquer my stupid ovaries and finally have a family of our own. All the plans are now changing...emotions are changing. It's all so difficult to understand.

When my husband told me, I cried. His mother was here so I tried to hold it together, but it was hard. He told me that night in bed that I didn't have to be strong for him, that he was scared too and to just talk to him. I sobbed and sobbed and let it all out. I think I needed that... we needed that. We discussed how we had made it through so many hard separations before. We could survive this one. 

So now I'm still awake at 2am obsessing about my husband's upcoming deployment. I feel selfish that I cry about it. It's the thought of saying goodbye that hurts me most. In the past, that's been the hardest part whenever we've been separated. I don't want him to worry about me. I want to be able to be strong for him so he won't worry, but I'm afraid that he knows me too well and will know no matter what I'm holding in how I feel.

I'm judging myself for all of my feelings and questioning what I feel. I almost look forward to finally feeling numb from it all. It gets overwhelming to be in my head.

People can be so ignorant.

I just have to take a second to vent. I am so incredibly frustrated that people can be so close minded.

As you know, I am a veterinary technician and care deeply for animals. Not only do I have two dogs, a cat, and a rabbit of my own, but I frequently rescue animals who are going to be euthanized at the local animal control and nurse them back to health until they can be placed in a forever home. All these animals need is time and love to become the perfect pets. Unfortunately, animal control doesn't have the time or capability to do this. I rescue those that I can, but sadly many are put to sleep every day. I can't save them all.

People are so ignorant when it comes to Animal Control and cats and dogs "from the pound". It makes me crazy when people tell me that they don't want to rescue an animal from the pound because it will have issues. Another thing I hear a lot is that people want a "pure bred" animal. I can't change these people's minds despite the fact that I try.

Another type of ignorant person is that person who breeds their animals for no reason other than to make money. There are so many breeders of pit bulls down here. It makes me so mad. If one of them could look at all the sad faces of pit bulls who will never be adopted down at animal control, I would hope they would stop breeding, but they won't ever know. They choose to stay ignorant while countless lives are being lost due to this overpopulation and mistreatment by humans. UGH!!! So MAD!!!

I wish I could scream it from the rooftops and make the world unserstand that the way some people treat and think about these animals as disposable is WRONG! One of my own dogs, Peach, a 1 1/2 year old Chihuahua was treated in this way. She was purchased by a woman for about $1200 and was taken care of until about her first birthday. Her owner decided to take her, her "outfits", and all her paperwork down to the local animal control. The reason she gave for giving her up was that she didn't have the time for her. What she didn't care to think about when she dropped her off was that owner surrenedered animals are typically brought straight to the back and euthanized due to lack of space. Luckily for Peach I was there to rescue her. She is truly the sweetest dog and I get emotional when I think about how someone could have ever given up this little angel. She makes my heart smile. How can you turn your back on that?

Ok. I'm done with my rant... I just needed to vent my frustration.

A home for Sammie and a new home for us!

So Sammie, the foster kitten I convinced my husband to pull from animal control went to her new home. Yay! They seem like really nice people and were instantly in love with that little ball of purrs. We're so glad to have rescued her and sent her to her new forever home, but now the house feels a little empty. I know, ridiculous with a rabbit, a cat, two six week old kittens, two dogs... and a husband of course! Haha! So... I'm rescuing two more tomorrow. Two orange kittens that were abandoned in someone's yard the other day. So sad that someone could just leave these poor helpless kitties out to fend for themselves. Not to mention the fact that it's about a 1000 degree here in good old Georgia and these poor kittens would have died of heat stroke if not found when they were.

In other news, we're moving into a brand new house in just about 7 weeks. We spent this past weekend searching for the perfect home and found that it was harder than we though, until.... we stumbled upon the perfect house! We can't contain our excitement. I wish I could move tomorrow so we could get settled in. One of the best parts... a yard for the dogs! No more walking on leashes in the apartment community. We will have a brand new home with a brand new fenced in yard! Can't wait! Now, the move isn't something I'm looking forward to. We're doing a DITY move or PPM. That's going to be exhausting, but it may be well worth it financially for us to deal with the extra effort. My brother in law and father in law are willing to come down to help, so that at least take a bit of the heavy lifting off of my shoulders.

So, for now, I'm trying to tie up our lives here. I'm trying to get some school work done, rescue as many animals as I can, work as much as I can, buy a house, pack and move our house and fur family, and all while keeping my sanity. Wish me luck!

Moving!!!

Sorry i haven't written in a while (not that anyone really reads this enough to miss me). Things have been crazy here on my end. I've been working 50+ hours a week at the veterinary hospital, which means 11 hour days of wrestling dogs and cats. I'm exhausted!!!

I've been rescuing animals again. Haha. Big surprise. I rescued a kitten from animal control hours before she was to be put to sleep. The poor little girl was so underweight and had an abscess on her leg and a cut on her nose. With a little love and care, she's now the sweetest little girl and will be ready for her new home any day now. I also took in two 3 week old kittens who were found in a gutter. They are super sweet but certainly a handful. So, needless to say, my house is crazy all the time with all the animals. Currently we have the 2 dogs. Gambit is an 8 month old Border Collie Mix and Peach is a 1 year old Chihuahua. They were both animal control rescues here in Columbus and within hours of being put to sleep when they were saved. I have my 13 year old Himalayan cat, Pugsly. I've had him for the last 12 years. He's my grumpy old man.  A couple of years ago, I rescued a baby rabbit, now named Cricket, who had a fractured leg.  Our current fosters include Sammie, the 10 week old kitten and Roswell & Scuba, the 3 week old kittens. CRAZY! I wouldn't have it any other way though.

Since Simon has been back from Ranger School, he has gone through the crazy process of trying to figure out what's next. Apparently, a whole lot of waiting... He was able to go through his Mechanized Leader course a couple of weeks ago and is now just waiting on going to Airborne school. As far as we've been told, he should get in this Friday, but you never know until he's actually in, so we'll see. We're crossing our fingers though because if he doesn't get in this week, it throws off our whole moving schedule. Which brings me to....

We're moving!!!
We're leaving Fort Benning and Columbus, GA and headed for a new adventure. We're going to Savannah! At this point in time, (if everything goes according to plan) we should be moving in about 8 weeks. We can't wait! We'll be buying our first home out there and are going house hunting this weekend. This move is going to be so much easier than our last one. Savannah is only about 4 hours from here. That's a lot better than our 21 hour drive from Massachusetts last year. No thank you!