Friday, March 30, 2012

Feeling disconnected

It's been about 6 weeks since he's been gone now. I've gotten into somewhat of a schedule and have been working hard to keep busy. The days seem to drag on, but the weeks go by quickly. I never understood that phrase until now.

That being said, I'm feeling so disconnected from my husband. His communication has been down, so I've only been hearing from him for about 15 minutes once a week. Needless to say, by the time we get the "I miss yous" and the necessary info out, our conversation time is just about up. While I'm glad to hear from him, I'm left feeling even more empty than I was before he called. Everyone tells me to be glad that I get to talk to him at all, and I am, but it still leaves me feeling so empty and alone, that I can't help but want more.

I don't even feel like we're a married couple anymore. As much as I love my husband, we're so out of sync right now, it's hard to remember what it's like when we're together. I have absolutely no idea what he's got going on in Afghanistan and he has no clue what things are like here at home. This just leads to a cycle of self pity and anger. I wonder sometimes if something is wrong with me that I feel this way. I know we had a rock solid relationship before he left, but now I feel like I barely know him, and this is only the beginning. We have so much longer than this to get through until it's all over.

I feel as though I've put up an emotional wall so that I don't break down. I've made a life for myself without my husband, and it's easy to forget what life is like with him, or how it will be when he gets home. It's the only way I knew how to get through life without my best friend by my side. Now, I'm afraid it's resulting in my feelings of disconnect.

I've been trying to remain optimistic, and I know that these feelings will pass when I finally do get to talk to him more, but it's hard not to feel withdrawn from it all.