Friday, February 17, 2012

Keeping Busy

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I've decided to jump into this deployment head on. I'm already on the board for my FRG (Family Readiness Group), but we only meet about once a month so it's not enough to keep my busy. God is good and presented me with an open position for a veterinary technician on post. If you have an extra prayer in you, please send it my way that I get hired. If I can't find a job, I swear I'm going to go crazy in this house all day.

I'm also joining the local YMCA. The gym on post is free, but there's still a charge for the classes and they don't offer any that interest me. I really only go to the gym for classes seeing as I have an elliptical at the house. Luckily, the YMCA gives a military discount, so whoohoo!

I'm so excited to get started in a routine, both work wise and fitness wise. I just need everything to fall into a nice and tidy schedule so that I don't notice how slow the days go by. Bring it on deployment, I'm ready for you now!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Thank God for my friends.

After my awful day yesterday, I had decided that I needed to be optimistic today and made a lunch date with a friend. I was hoping for an uneventful meal, but I have to admit that in the middle of it, I just completely broke down. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it's ok to be sad and there's no shame in crying and just let me vent.

 After a little ice cream and the realization that I do have at least a few really good friends here, I genuinely feel much better. I'm still sad and feeling especially lonely today, but knowing that there are people who not only completely understand what I'm going through but care enough about me to make sure I'm ok is comforting.

I also started flipping through a book that was given to me by the Christian Military Fellowship, titled "Faith Deployed...Again." I have to recommend this to any Christian military wives out there. It really is an amazing book with stories from wives as well as prayers to help you through your happiest and your toughest days. I decided to open to a random page and take whatever it said to heart. This is what it said:
“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b)

I put my faith in Him to give me the strength to pick myself up and get on with life. So here's to tonight coming to an end and another day crossed off the calendar. Bring on tomorrow! It will be one day closer to him coming home to me.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Having a meltdown kind of day.

I honestly thought today was going to be a completely normal day. I had people coming over and plans to keep me busy. I never would have thought that I'd spend most of the day in tears.

He's only been gone about two weeks, but I think the fact that he's actually gone really hit me today. I've been so strong so far and haven't even really had a good cry until today. I'm sure I needed it, but now I just can't stop. Every emotion is coursing through me all at once, and I don't even know how to process it all.

 I feel so alone in this despite the fact that I know I'm not. I almost feel like because I've been so strong and everyone's so impressed with how I've composed myself thusfar, that I don't want to break down and expose all these feelings to anyone. I feel guilty that I feel so miserable and as though I would just be dragging everyone else down to express that misery. I can't burden my husband with what's going on. I know it would kill him that he's not here to bring me a hot cup of tea and let me cry it out in his arms. That's not fair to him at all, so I know I can't share how I feel with him. I have to be strong when he calls, but it's so hard.

I keep praying that if I just have a good cry that I'll be ok, but right now I don't even feel like that's possible. I know in my head that we'll get through this, but I just can't help but think this deployment is going to be so much more painful than I ever imagined.

Monday, February 6, 2012


I was shopping today and happened to strike up a conversation with one of the workers in the hardware store and explained that my husband had just deployed and I had no idea what tools I needed for a particular job and would need to have pretty much everything explained to me. She began to ask me pretty personal questions about his being gone. In general, I don't mind explaining our lifestyle. People don't know and sometimes have a general interest in how the Army effects even every day life. I was incredibly insulted, however, when she switched the topic to sex. She flat out asked me if I would miss it while he's gone and made the comment that she couldn't go that long without it. WHAT?!? Who asks that  kind of question and what in the world did she expect my answer to be. After promptly telling her that my sex life was between me and my husband she seemed to get the hint and mentioned that being an Army wife is like being single without the possibility of sex and then stopped talking altogether. Needless to say, I was thankful for the silence.

This just makes my blood boil. Please don't ever pose an insensitive question like that to a military spouse. Yes, of course we miss physical intimacy with our husbands, but more so, we miss the everyday of a kiss on the forehead or a squeeze of your hand. I even miss the fact that he usually does the dishes. I just want him to come home safely, so yes I miss things, but my focus isn't on my physical desires, merely on him coming back to me in one piece.  Also, don't ask the question "Aren't you afraid he'll be killed?" Yes, of course I'm terrified of that and thank you so kindly for ruining whatever I was doing and making me focus on this fear again. As a military spouse, you really just can't think about this or you'll drive yourself crazy with worry. So, don't be stupid and ask such an ignorant question because it's in no way helpful and only makes me hate your guts.

That's my two cents for the day.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

He's really gone.

As much as you can tell yourself that you're ready to see them go, there's nothing like actually seeing your husband in uniform with a gun in his hand and one on his hip, boarding a bus with his men. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, the fears, the questions. It truly is torture.

We started off the day pretending everything was normal; going out to breakfast and joking around, playing with the dogs, and trying to finish packing his last minute items. Even though it seemed normal, every squeeze of my hand and every kiss on my forehead made me remember that I wouldn't feel those things again for a long time.

Be a good boy Gambit.
Running late is something typical in my house and this day was no exception. In a way, it was a good thing. Mr. S wasn't able to really sit down and say a prolonged goodbye to each of the animals. Our fur family is just that, our family, and I knew he would have a hard time leaving them. He gave each a hug and a kiss and told them he loved them while I took pictures and that was that. I knew it was going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Pugsly, our 14 year old cat. His health has been failing and he may not be here when Mr. S gets back, but luckily with so little time, Mr. S didn't have time to wallow and be sad. The goodbyes to his fur babies went much better than expected and I was grateful for that.

Bye Bye Princess Peach.

We got to the parking lot and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not ready for this. He's not leaving." I was wrong. Not only did he leave, but I was surprisingly stronger than I realized and didn't completely break down. Yes, there were a few tears that rolled down my cheek as he gave me those final kisses, but I managed to keep it together. It was definitely the toughest day of my life for sure, but I didn't let it sink me and I'm proud of myself for that.

Now that the emotional charge of the goodbye is done and he's actually gone, I'm sort of numb to it all. With all that we've been through, I'm used to him leaving for even a few weeks or months at a time. There are still a pair of his pajamas on the bedroom floor, his slippers are still by the front door, and my bed still smells like his cologne. It feels like any other time that he's left, but I'm assuming that the realization will come in a few weeks that his homecoming is further off than normal.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for feeling so confident despite his leaving. I'm almost excited in a way to get this deployment underway because the sooner it begins, the sooner he gets to come home to me.
Come home to me safely, my love.