Monday, May 16, 2011

He's HOME!!!!

My emotions are still reeling and I've had a few days for it all to sink in.

Thursday night, I got into bed counting down the minutes until I could pick Mr. S up for his 8 hour pass the next morning. Just as I was falling asleep, my phone rang. It was him! He said that he couldn't talk, but that he was coming home..not for an 8 hour pass, but for good!

Friday morning arrived and I was so excited to be able to bring my husband home. I couldn't sit still. I got to post extra early and waited in the parking lot for any sign of the guys being released. After 5 hours of tense waiting and pacing with fellow wives, they started to appear. I thought I was going to cry I was so excited. As each wave of soldiers exited the compound gates and each man reunited with his wife, I was getting that much more excited to finally get to reunite with Mr. S. Then I realized that there were no more men coming out and there were no more wives left waiting with me. He wasn't coming.... I tried to hold back the tears.

Thank goodness for 2 of his friends who saw me in the parking lot. They were both in the course as well and were kind enough to take the time out of their pass to go back into the compound and find out anything they could for me. All we could find out was that he had to go before a board to see if he was going to recycle. He wasn't coming home today. I got in my car and just cried.

It wasn't for another hour that I received a phone call. "Hey lovey" he said casually. I blurted into the phone through sobs, "Are you coming home today?" "Only if you come get me. I'm waiting for you," he said.

Long story short, he was dropped from the course for stupid reasons. I was finally able to see him. He's finally home. I was finally able to tell him all the things I had been holding in since he left. He was finally able to sleep. It's been a tough adjustment though. He is feeling like he failed and seems to only want to concentrate on when he can go back. I'm feeling like he isn't happy to be home with me and he would rather be back there. It's taken a few days, but it's finally starting to feel back to normal. Here's the question though:

As an army wife, do I have an obligation to put my feelings aside and let him be upset that he's not in training with his men or do I have a right to be upset that he doesn't seem so thrilled to be home with me? This dilemna plays again and again in my mind.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Power Clean Time!

Friday, Mr. S comes home for 8 whole hours!!!! I can't believe how quickly this first phase went. It's over. Let's just cross our fingers that he passed and gets to move on to phase 2. There is so much to do before he gets home. I've got to power clean this house and make everything perfect for his arrival. I'm so excited!!! The dogs are getting baths, the tables need dusting, the sheets need washing, I need to bake something. I have to go to post and get some supplies for him. I just can't wait!!! These next two days are going to be long, but it's worth it to get to see him on Friday!!! Wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I will never understand killing helpless animals

A wriggling, writing ball of fur is licking at your face. You love and cherish his antics and think what a great addition to your family he has been. Then, a year or so down the road, you move or have a baby or simply are annoyed by your dog and you bring him down to animal control. You think, he's a sweet boy, he'll find a home for sure. Do you know that 90% of animals in Columbus, GA never see the outdoors again. They are euthanized in the masses here and I can't stand it!

One of my friends from work has started a project called Happy Homes. She has been working really hard to save those who are on puppy/kitty "death row" and place them in happy, loving homes. There are only so many animals that we can save though. What we really need is a no-kill shelter to take in all these sad, homeless fur babies. She has entered into the Pepsi Refresh Contest to receive a grant for $50,000 to build just such a place. Only problem is, we need people to vote.

So, I know that not many people are reading my ramblings, but I can't help but ask.... Please help us get this grant and save those sad, neglected dogs and cats.

You can vote daily on the following website, but even better is if you drink Pepsi. There are Pepsi bottles out there that have codes in the caps. If you enter the codes in those on the website, they count as a "Power Vote" (up to 100 votes for one code!). We're number 40 right now and could really use as much help as we can get. So, please vote!!! Help us save the animals.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Rest in Peace Waffle

Today was challenging. I was just stuck with a case of the Mondays all day. I couldn't get out of my funk. I tried everything. I worked all day, so when I got out, I thought that a trip with Gambit to the store to get him a new leash and some treats would be a fun outing and a quick pick-me-up. It was nice, but I was still feeling kind of blah. I thought maybe some KFC might cheer me up. Nope. They forgot to put my cookies in the bag and I realized that I don't really like KFC. It's kind of gross. I decided that I would play with my bunny. She loves to snuggle and give kisses and I knew that would cheer me up. Unfortunately, I went to go pick her up and found that she had died. She was just laying there and was cold to the touch. I lost it.

I am feeling so insecue right now. I can't handle all these things that have gone wrong since Mr. S left, and Waffle dying is the worst. First I broke my hand, then we had to put one of the dogs I was helping foster to sleep, and now Waffle died. I can't even tell him about any of this because I know it'll make him worry about me and he really ought to be worrying about only himself right now. I just feel so left alone though. I can't even share my frustration and grief with him. I'm upset that I wasn't there for Waffle when she died. She didn't even seem sick. It makes me question my skills as a veterinary technician and it makes me so sad that her little life was cut so short. I'm upset that I have no one here to share all my emotions with, so here I am at 1:30 in the morning, writing it all down. I can only hope that someone out there is listening so as I'm not entirely alone in my thoughts and feelings.... that's definitely how I feel.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Taking Charge of my Life Through Fitness

I DID IT!!!!

I got my butt out of bed and I did it. I got dressed, took care of the dog, put on my sneakers and made my way to post. I completed my first Spin class at 11:45 this morning and I feel GREAT!

It was hard, but I am so proud of myself. There were a couple of points that I wanted to give up, but I thought about Simon and how hard he's working and his drive to not give up. I felt an emotional surge as I pedaled my way to confidence. I just want to scream "I DID IT!"

According to my heart rate monitor, I burned over 550 calories, but I didn't stop there. When I got home, I felt so good that I took the dog for a mile long walk. Yes! Another 100 calories burned. I feel so fantastic! Just needed to share...

This song empowers me.
"Jar Of Hearts"- Christina Perri

No, I can't take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time


It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Sunday, May 1, 2011


I am driving down a country road with no street lights. It is extremely dark and there are no other cars on the road and no houses in sight. All of a sudden, I see a tree down in the road. I stop the car so as not to hit it, when I notice three men coming out of the woods in my rearview mirror, approaching my car from behind. I'm scared. I can't move forward due to the downed tree. They're closer now. I reach for the door to lock it, but I'm too slow. One of the men has entered my car and is holding a gun to me. I'm terrified....shaking....... A million thoughts enter my mind. Do I fight? Do I run? Do I comply? Am I going to die? Before I can sort through all my thoughts, he pulls the trigger.

I'm scared. 

Only a very few people know about my history with crime. My sophomore year in college I had dislocated my knee and was on crutches. I was making my way from my dorm to my boyfriend's dorm next door to mine. It was a two minute walk from door to door that went terribly wrong.

It was chilly and my hair was still wet from taking a shower when I walked out the door. Two steps down the sidewalk, a man approached me. He was wearing a green jacket and dark jeans. I remember him being short (for a man-he was still much taller than me at 5'3"). He spoke only broken English, but he was pointing at my knee brace and I figured out that he was asking what had happened to my leg. I started to respond, thinking he was a well wisher who felt bad for the girl on crutches. I didn't look to much into it as similar situations had been happening all day. That was my mistake.

He started mumbling something about "it all being ok" and "not to worry." I began to be concerned that this man was not stable and started to turn away from him to continue walking. That's when he grabbed me. He pulled me in towards him and caused me to lose my balance. He tried to kiss me and pulled me off my feet. I pushed my crutches out in front of me and managed to regain my balance. I took off towards my boyfriend's dorm, going as fast as I could on crutches. He chased after me. There was no one there to help me. I was running and he was right behind me. I got to the door of the other dorm. You need to swipe your student ID for access to the building. I couldn't get to it fast enough. I couldn't stop. I was panicked. God was watching over me because the door swung open just as I reached it and I was able to get inside. I didn't dare look behind me and see if he was still behind me. I picked up my crutches and ran (on my bad knee) up the 3 flights of stairs to my boyfriend's room and locked myself inside.

The good news is that he was caught. The campus police were able to locate him within a half hour. I thought that was the end of it.

The justice system failed me. They let him out on bail and he took off. I moved on and tried not to think about it, but I was changed. No one could understand my paranoia because they hadn't lived through what I had.

Two years later, just weeks before my wedding to the boyfriend who helped me get through all of this, I received a phone call that would bring it all back up. They had caught him. He was going to be held in jail until the trial, but there was more news. The victim's advocate explained to me that while my attacker was in jail for the charges against me, a witness in an unrelated case had claimed that my attacker was the assailant in an unsolved rape and murder. They were able to test his DNA and discovered that he had , in fact, raped an murdered a woman a mere six months prior to attacking me. He left her body on the train tracks. The phone dropped from my hand....

I can't even begin to understand my feelings about all this. I feel so unsafe no matter where I am. He wanted to do more than he did to me. He wanted to rape me. He wanted to murder me. I survived, yes, but I feel as though I haven't. Every dark corner, even my own house scares me. The whole world is dangerous and I won't be so lucky next time. He has left a bigger mark on my life than I would even like to give him credit for, but I can't deny it. It's evident even in my dreams.

The nightmares are more prevalent when Mr. S is not here. All week, I've been lacking sleep due to them. I wake up sweating, my heart beating, sometimes in tears. I need to get through this on my own because he isn't here, but my first instinct is to look to him. I need help. I need sleep.

Edwin Masarieo began this hell, but I need to finish it.

Royal Wedding

So ANNOYED!!!! Is everyone obsessed with the royal wedding?!?! I've been hearing about the royal wedding for what seems like forever now. It's been going in one ear and out the other. It doesn't affect me. I don't know them. I'm happy for them if they're truly in love that they are getting married because I know that joy of marrying your best friend and wish for everyone to have that. I just don't get all the craziness about it.

Well, Friday I was getting ready for work and what was on every news channel.... the wedding. Yes, she looked beautiful. Yes, it was over the top, but why do I have to watch it. Are we that obsessed with someone's love life , in another country for that matter, that no other news is important. What about the tornadoes that ravaged the South this week? What about the war in Afghanistan? Even President Obama releasing his birth certificate was more relevant in my opinion. I just can't believe that the world would all stop for one wedding. It drives me nuts.

I figured that once the wedding was over it would be just that, over. Instead, I still have to hear about it repeatedly. I can't watch tv without someone bringing up her dress or her bouquet. Even facebook is not safe. Now, the news is obsessing over when and where they will be taking their honeymoon. Who cares? UGGGHHH!!!
Ok. Vent session over. Maybe I'm just grumpy because I miss my husband, maybe I have a point...