Monday, November 7, 2011

The Dreaded News...

Well, we finally got the news. He's going to deploy. I can't get into much of the details, not that I have many. My mother in law has been visiting this last week, so my husband was grateful that he was able to tell both of us together. It made it so much harder though. She barely seemed to flinch, although she has another son who served in the Navy, so she's a bit more used to deployments. I'm sure it'll be harder for her to deal with when the time comes closer though.

I'm left feeling confused, selfish, hurt, scared, and sad. I knew this day was coming but it was never supposed to come so soon. We had plans. We had been seeing a new fertility specialist and were trying to conquer my stupid ovaries and finally have a family of our own. All the plans are now changing...emotions are changing. It's all so difficult to understand.

When my husband told me, I cried. His mother was here so I tried to hold it together, but it was hard. He told me that night in bed that I didn't have to be strong for him, that he was scared too and to just talk to him. I sobbed and sobbed and let it all out. I think I needed that... we needed that. We discussed how we had made it through so many hard separations before. We could survive this one. 

So now I'm still awake at 2am obsessing about my husband's upcoming deployment. I feel selfish that I cry about it. It's the thought of saying goodbye that hurts me most. In the past, that's been the hardest part whenever we've been separated. I don't want him to worry about me. I want to be able to be strong for him so he won't worry, but I'm afraid that he knows me too well and will know no matter what I'm holding in how I feel.

I'm judging myself for all of my feelings and questioning what I feel. I almost look forward to finally feeling numb from it all. It gets overwhelming to be in my head.


  1. I have stumbled on your blog. I just wanted to say I hope all is well for you. I love animals just as you do. All of my babies were given to me by members of my family that no longer could care for them for various reasons. They are like my children now. I can't imagine life without them!

  2. Thanks for the comment. All is going well. We're just trying to be as ready as we can be for this deployment. I totally understand what you mean about your animals being your children. I love them more than I ever could have imagined.