Sunday, February 5, 2012

He's really gone.

As much as you can tell yourself that you're ready to see them go, there's nothing like actually seeing your husband in uniform with a gun in his hand and one on his hip, boarding a bus with his men. I can't even begin to describe the emotions, the fears, the questions. It truly is torture.

We started off the day pretending everything was normal; going out to breakfast and joking around, playing with the dogs, and trying to finish packing his last minute items. Even though it seemed normal, every squeeze of my hand and every kiss on my forehead made me remember that I wouldn't feel those things again for a long time.

Be a good boy Gambit.
Running late is something typical in my house and this day was no exception. In a way, it was a good thing. Mr. S wasn't able to really sit down and say a prolonged goodbye to each of the animals. Our fur family is just that, our family, and I knew he would have a hard time leaving them. He gave each a hug and a kiss and told them he loved them while I took pictures and that was that. I knew it was going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Pugsly, our 14 year old cat. His health has been failing and he may not be here when Mr. S gets back, but luckily with so little time, Mr. S didn't have time to wallow and be sad. The goodbyes to his fur babies went much better than expected and I was grateful for that.

Bye Bye Princess Peach.

We got to the parking lot and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not ready for this. He's not leaving." I was wrong. Not only did he leave, but I was surprisingly stronger than I realized and didn't completely break down. Yes, there were a few tears that rolled down my cheek as he gave me those final kisses, but I managed to keep it together. It was definitely the toughest day of my life for sure, but I didn't let it sink me and I'm proud of myself for that.

Now that the emotional charge of the goodbye is done and he's actually gone, I'm sort of numb to it all. With all that we've been through, I'm used to him leaving for even a few weeks or months at a time. There are still a pair of his pajamas on the bedroom floor, his slippers are still by the front door, and my bed still smells like his cologne. It feels like any other time that he's left, but I'm assuming that the realization will come in a few weeks that his homecoming is further off than normal.

All in all, I'm proud of myself for feeling so confident despite his leaving. I'm almost excited in a way to get this deployment underway because the sooner it begins, the sooner he gets to come home to me.
Come home to me safely, my love.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my god, I believe you that this is not easy for you leaving your husband. Hope he gets home well!